Episode 252: Voices of Healing – Personal Stories of Life on the Healing Journey

Episode 252: Voices of Healing -Personal Stories of Life on the Healing Journey.

Welcome to the Love Your Story podcast.

We all die. We all pay taxes. Another thing we all have in common on this crazy ride called life is that we all need to heal. Why? Because in this rough and tumble life we all get hurt. We all have to heal from things mild to wild, the broken heart, the deep disappointments, the full-out traumas. As I’ve looked over the past episodes of the Love Your Story podcast, no matter the episode, over 90% of them involve discussion about the path of healing. Whether the stories shared are about a miscarriage, an injury, a rape, a divorce, an eating disorder, the death of a loved one, etc. the thing they all have in common is that healing is part of the process if forward progression is to be made.

As is obvious by the name of the show, we are all about coming to love our own personal life story. Often times the thing that stands between us and a full acceptance and love of our story are the broken times, the shameful times, the things we see as “failures,” the things we need to heal from.

I’m so glad you’ve joined me today for some voices of healing as past guests share what this looked like for them. Let’s shine a light on the healing journey and see what we can learn. We all have things to heal from.

As we start out this episode I want to start on a humble note. The things we heal from are deeply personal and I’m not suggesting that I know how everyone should heal - just do this or that and all will be well. If I’ve learned anything from listening to people’s stories, it’s that healing is different for everyone, it’s deeply personal. So what I share today are quips from other’s journeys and a few personal ideas about things that seem to consistently work for people. See what hits home for you. If you can take one thing that will shine a light forward on your healing journey or someone you love’s healing journey - then we are getting it right.

My first real heart break was in high school. My first love was my high school boyfriend. We shared a locker, we snuck out of our windows to be together. We both played percussion so we got up early every morning before school and practiced and stayed late after. Of course we spent every minute we could, together. We dated for years. One summer we had a fake wedding ceremony next to a stream up the canyon. We had a teddy bear that I named after him and it symbolized our future kids. I have boxes of letters and notes from him. I know, to say it out loud is to shine a light on the beautiful immaturity, and at the same time I think it also shines the light on the depth a young, unharmed heart can go to. ….Until one Friday night I found him drunk, making out with the girl who was my “best friend” at a party. We had a couple of these bouts before I reached 19 years-old, and finally my heart was too broken to ever be put back together by him again. I don’t have a great healing story to tell you, unless you count 25 years later when I finally had to heal from a life of heartbreaks, I had to reframe, I had to let go, I had to come to love my messy, broken story with all the deep pains and disappointments. All the betrayals, all the bad choices, all the disillusionment. Three marriages, three divorces, a handful of serious boyfriends that I hadn’t chosen to stay with. There was a lot of relationship healing for me. At any given time we can be on the path to healing. It’s not just something that we do once and everything is okay. Every time you get a cut or a broken bone you have to heal all over again. Of course it’s the same mentally, emotionally, psychologically - we need to heal whenever we experience hurt. So, we are off and on the path continually.

As I’ve gone back and listened to the healing stories of past guests, I mentioned that it really struck home how complex healing is. It’s not the exact same for everyone, and there are so many possible steps. But I came up with eight that popped up over and over. 

Tune into the audio program to see what they are.

Ijeoma (Ejoma) Umebinyuo is a Nigerian poet. She is considered one of Sub-Saharan Africa's best modern poets, she said, in her TedX talk, “We have a way of glorifying survival, but not the process of survival.”

Today we are talking about the process of survival. How do we heal? What does the struggle of that process look like?

LIjeoma (Ejoma)’s list of healing includes only 3 things: 

“(there are) Three routes to healing:

1. You must let the pain visit.

2. You must allow it to teach you.

3. You must not allow it to overstay.”

Let’s start with my and Ejoma’s first point - Allow the pain to be there. Stop the resistance. It must be acknowledged that when pain comes it comes whether we allow it or not. None of us choose pain on purpose, in fact, I dare say we do all we can to avoid it, but I believe what she is talking about is the idea of resistance and allowance. The equation: Pain + Resistance = Suffering, is well documented. Acceptance is the antidote to resistance.

Haruki Murakami said, ”Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

What are we accepting? We are accepting that something hurtful has happened to us. We are accepting that we feel pain about it. We are letting ourselves feel that pain. We sit with it. We picture it flowing through us rather than making a home in us. Let it be there, let yourself have your emotions. It’s okay. If we spend lots of energy trying to push it away, we are by that very attempt keeping it in our focus and energy and increasing the suffering.

It is a well documented fact that acceptance of what was, is part of the healing process. We must come to accept our story, to stop resisting what is or what has been. Allow ourselves to feel the hurt instead of feeling shame for hurting or fear of hurting, just allow that it hurts and let it be what it is. 

In episode 220, I spoke with Margaret Meloni, author of Death with a Little d. We are discussing the importance of acceptance of life as it changes and doesn’t meet our expectations. She shares this tip for acceptance. Listen in:

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

Finding Hope:

When I was researching for this episode I asked the Love Your Story audience what they thought was most important for healing. One of my favorite listeners sent one word: Hope.

I was struck by the simplicity of the answer. In my own life I have been watching some loved ones struggle through some very difficult experiences. As I watch the struggle and listen to the various places they are on the path of survival, I have noticed that they are experiencing times of hopelessness. That is a DARK place. When there is no hope to get out from under the dark, no hope for light, for a better day, for release from suffering - this is the space where suicide gets considered. This is the darkness that can crush you. So HOPE becomes such a deeply important factor.

For me personally, I think Christ is the very foundation of hope. How do we talk about healing and about hope without talking about the very essence - the being we believe has brought us these things. Hope for a better day, hope to overcome, hope in letting go of things that have weighed us down. 

Vaughn E. Worthen, the Associate Director of the Counseling Center at Brigham Young University shared a few thoughts I want to share with you:

He titled them : The Healing Balm of Hope

First he shares the words of Jewish psychiatrist Viktor Frankl. He and his father, mother, brother, and wife were all imprisoned in concentration camps during World War II. He and a sister, who had emigrated before the war, were the only survivors in his family. During three years as a prisoner of war, Frankl witnessed and endured great suffering and cruelty. He noted, “It is a peculiarity of man that he can only live by looking to the future.” He warned that “the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect” and that “the prisoner who had lost faith in the future—his future—was doomed.”

He then points out that hope has been heralded since the earliest recorded histories. “The writer of Proverbs states, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12), and Moroni, a prophet in the Book of Mormon warned that “if ye have no hope ye must needs be in despair” (Moroni 10:22). And then we have an Irish proverb which states, “Hope is the physician of each misery.” - YES! “Hope is the physician of each misery,” but where do we turn for hope? 

Referring back to Brother Worthen, who refers to the Book of Mormon, he brings up the story of Mormon, another Book of Mormon prophet…he says, 

“At a time when Mormon’s family, religion, and civilization were being destroyed, Mormon declared, “I would speak unto you concerning hope” (Moroni 7:40). To what source did Mormon look for unfailing hope? He instructs, “Ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal” (Moroni 7:41). This is the ultimate of all we might hope for. To possess this hope is to believe that today’s pain is only a way station on the road to deliverance. It requires patience with current circumstances. It is the belief that there will be a coming day when “God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain” (Revelation 21:4). Divine hope is sustained not because things always turn out as we wish but because we know that “all things wherewith [we] have been afflicted shall work together for [our] good” and to the glory of the Lord’s name (D&C 98:3).

President Thomas S. Monson, who was a modern prophet of the Latter Day Saint church has taught: “At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. … If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.”

If there is no hope, darkness prevails. To possess hope is to believe that today’s pain will come together for our good at some point. We will learn, we will grow, we will heal, we will find better than where we are today in our darkest hours. 

This next clip that I’m going to share with you is long - it’s Todd Sylvester’s story and how he learned that the human soul is more powerful than addiction after finally beating his own 25 yr. addiction. He then founded the non-profit, anti-drug entity Sly Dog “Drug Free That’s Me, which features a sought after education program for elementary schools. This story is his miracle story about how a sliver of hope that God might show up stopped him from suicide and brought about a his own personal healing miracle. For this entire interview - which has more wonderful details, go to episode 161.

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

When Diane Butterfield, from episode 79 & 80, shared her story of her two beautiful young daughters and their death in an auto accident, then eleven years later her husband took his own life, and within the next year so did her oldest son, we go to a place of such deep pain that hope seems a million miles away. For this sweet woman, under all this crushing loss, she has a moment when she realizes things will get better. Here is a clip from our interview. She’s just come home from a funeral…

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

When we are trying to come out of the dark places it’s very important to remember that there is a future - this is hope. There is something better and different available moving forward. Things will change, even when you can’t see how.

C. JoyBell said, “The sun shall always rise upon a new day and there shall always be a rose garden within me. Yes, there is a part of me that is broken, but my broken soil gives way to my wild roses.”

Now Let’s Talk about the step of asking for HELP.

Healing often requires that we get help - that we are brave enough to ask for help when it’s needed. In the last clip we heard a man’s story of asking God for help. In other interviews asking other support sources for help has been prevalent as well. Here are a couple more stories.

In episode 140, Amanda Grow shares her story of severe childbirth complications and her experienced of an extremely rare complication known as Amniotic Fluid Embolism which has a mortality rate of 80%. In the episode we hear about her rapid blood transfusion that nearly drained the hospitals blood supply and left her in a medically induced coma for a week. As she tries to heal she deals with many struggles, one of which is was her mental and emotional struggle that she tells us about here - but the key for her is that she asked for help…

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

One of the ways we can ask for help is through a professional. Trevor Lay, a trauma therapist joined me in episode 213 to discuss how we heal from trauma. One of the supports we have when we need to heal, is the choice to reach out to a qualified therapist. Here is a peak at how Trevor navigates the healing process.

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

This next part of healing seems like a no-brainer, but in sorrow and loss this one may be one of the hardest to muster, but I have heard it over and over in stories of healing. Look for the positive - Positive Mental Outlook makes all the difference

Annadel Lemon, in episode 65 shares her story: at 15 years old her father shot her mother and then killed himself in a tragedy that certainly created a difficult story for Annadel. Instead of letting her story hold her back Annadel, “The Freedom Warrior,” instead decided to use her experiences of overcoming negative emotional trauma to help others clearly see their potential and do the same thing, reframing with gratitude, perspective shifts, and allowing for the grief of the moment to be okay.

Here is one of her tips for healing:

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

Look for the positive things - Take back your power by refusing to be a victim. Rewrite the story…

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

In episode 168 with Michael O’Brien he tells how on the morning of July 11, 2001, he was riding his bicycle on a New Mexico road when an SUV hit him head-on going 40 mph. The crushing accident left him near death as the mede-vac helicopter descended to take his broken body to be pieced back together. Michael said that shifting into PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) was crucial to his healing, and he also noticed it was crucial to all those in the hospital who were actually getting better and moving forward. Here’s a little peak into his process.

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

And here, he notices who is healing and shares a little of how he starts his own shift into PMA.

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

In episode 166, my interview with Braxton Neilson, who on August 31, 2017 was crushed and paralyzed by a bucking bronco in a rodeo in Filer, Idaho. Growing up his dad always told him he was born to succeed. Those comments created a mindset that would serve Braxton as he faced a broken back. Here’s a little bit of his story.

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

Find meaningful lessons

Let’s hop back to Ejoma, to her second point - “You must allow it to teach you.” Every struggle has a gift for you in its hands. Sometimes it takes awhile to find that gift, but it is always there. This is also the fulcrum for a good reframe of a story. This is the gold in the dross.

Even Albert Einstein said, ”In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity."

Here’s Michael O’Brien again:

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

A Chinese Proverb says, “The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."

Sometimes the things we earn ARE the reason - so focus on that new knowledge, on what you have gained in order to heal and find hope.

The next part of healing is often around the process of accepting your story, even coming to a place where you can share your story without shame - here on the show, we call it Loving Your Story.

This was a crucial step for my own healing. A really big part of letting go of all the disappointment and and feelings of failure came from accepting my story completely - for all it was - and then reframing my personal interpretation of it so that I was looking at the meaning and growth rather than the perceived failures and pain.

In episode 227 - Blooming with Carrington Smith, she tells her story and how she came to bloom through the struggle. One of her highlights was the life lesson that you need to claim and tell your story in order to heal. Here’s our discussion…

Tune into the audio program to hear her clip.

Carrington went from the rejection of her story when she tried to find support, to learning how harmful it is to keep that bottled up, to ultimately learning to give voice to her story and to claim the part it played in her life, and to claim the strength it gave her as she realized how strong she was.

I remember a workshop once where they had us list out all the difficult things we had made it through in our lives. They then asked the question, “If you can make it through those, what can you make it through moving forward?” That was a really powerful thought to me, because in those dark moments where I’d fear another relationship was falling apart, or that someone would do something to harm me, I automatically go back to that space of knowing I have already lived through it, or I’ve lived through things that were terribly painful. I now know of my own strength to survive.

Let’s go back to Ejoma’s third step - “You must not allow it to over stay.” Another way of saying this is be willing to let go..

Be Willing to Let Go

In episode 219: Come Off Conqueror, Bonnie Randall, creator of Come off Conqueror, a group for helping women who have experiences with sexual abuse. We discussed the importance of being open to healing, being willing to let go of the hurt and how you’ve let it define you. Take a listen:

Tune into the audio program to hear this clip.

Letting go is often much easier said than done, but it becomes crucial if you want...